inside the mind of the mom next door

I’ve been up since 4am.  I know I said I was going to write about the trip to San Francisco, but I do have to tell you something funny that Wendy and I have been laughing about. Wendy did not get pregnant until the 3rd sperm donor.  We went through the selection process 3 different times.  Choosing a donor can get overwhelming, because there is so much information about each one.  We decided what was important to us and narrowed them down according to our priorities.

We unanimously agreed upon the first donor.  It didn’t take that long.  It jumped out at us, and the process did not seem all that difficult and definitely not worth writing about.  However, when the first one didn’t work, it got complicated.

First, we had to agree on what our priorities were – physical appearance, race, religion, ethnicity, health, personality traits, etc.  Wendy and I don’t live in constant conflict, but we don’t agree on all that much.  When we couldn’t agree, we had to agree to compromise.

The first criteria we used to narrow the pool was physical appearance.  We wanted a caucasian, and Wendy wanted to pick someone with my physical traits like dark hair, eyes, and skin and medium to thick hair.  Yes, the donor can list the texture of his hair.  We both wanted someone who was tall.  We did not care about religion or ethnicity.  It didn’t matter to us if he were Catholic or Protestant, English or French.

The next factor we considered was health and family health history.  I scratched some people when I read that their dad had a heart attack in his 50’s or that their mom had breast cancer.

After considering those things, we might still have a list of a dozen donors.  That’s where it got complicated.  I would look at grades and test scores.  Not only do I think intelligence is important, but it was second nature for me to look at academic records.  I would also look at his career, interests, and hobbies.  I would tend to choose someone in science or engineering or who was a do it yourselfer.  Wendy looked at eyesight and age.  The irony in this is that she wanted a donor who was younger than her and had perfect eyesight.  Not only do I have bad eyesight, but any donor that was close to my age was too old.  She also looked for someone who played an instrument or enjoyed music.  I think we went with the musician for the 2nd donor, and I picked an engineer for the 3rd donor.

Anyway, the funny part is this.  I feel like we went to great measures to end up with a child that looks like us.  However, it appears that Hope is going to have red hair.  She has blue eyes right now, but I expect them to change.  Now that Hope is here, I do not care what color her hair, eyes, or skin are.  I think she is beautiful!  It’s funny how important it was to us to try to control what she looked like, and it’s ironic that she may look nothing like we had planned.

If Hope’s hair is red, I couldn’t figure out where it came from, so I found the donor’s paperwork.  His grandmother had red hair.  Out of all the brothers and sisters, parents, aunts and uncles, and grandparents, one person had red hair.  What are the odds that Hope would have red hair?

Like I said, at this point, we are not concerned one bit about her hair or eye color.  We just like to joke with each other about our red-haired, blue-eyed, pale-skinned daughter.


Comments on: "Choosing the Donor" (5)

  1. Your donor selection conversations sound just like my Wife and mine! I suppose when you have such limited information, looks become a BIG part in the selection. Family history is a biggie for us.

    Did you purchase baby photos from your cryobank? Listen to audio? Did your first 2 donors have confirmed pregnancies?

    That is funny…just how much we are NOT in control!

    • We had baby and adult pictures of the first 2 donors but only baby pictures of the 3rd donor. Wendy would not consider a donor without pictures. No audio. Was that an option? I know the 1st and 3rd donors had confirmed pregnancies. I think the 2nd donor did also. I forgot to mention confirmed pregnancies was important to Wendy.

      I just think it is ironic how much information we do have about the potential donors and then no control whatsoever. Such is life!

  2. Stephanie said:

    We went through the same thing with Amelia. Her donor dad has my physical traits. He is even half Asian with dark hair, dark complexion, etc. We had no idea what she would look like since Lisa has blonde hair & blue eyes. When she came out red headed we were shocked because it’s not in our donor’s history or Lisa’s. It does show you can’t plan anything!! But they’re still so lovable!!

  3. first of all, hope is beautiful! second, i am having flashbacks from our selection! (donor 1, no baby yet) i so relate to those feelings of attempting to control over anything at all during that time, because it can be so scary. and then they get here, and nothing matters in the world.

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